(Part 3 of 3 in a series about the connection between life and death…)
My sister-in-law is gone. We knew it was coming – the cancer that had ravaged her body finally had the last word. Now, those of us left behind must deal with the aftermath. 
It’s a tradition in my wife’s family – funerals are as lavish as the family can afford. It’s their way of showing respect and affection for those who’ve passed. No detail is spared – church services, clothes for the deceased, obituaries, music. Everything seems important – and is noted by all.
My wife drove much of the preparations. She bought her sister’s dress, wrote the obituary and selected its photos, arranged for a well-known singer, and helped choose a burial plot. She spent many hours, particularly on the obituary (an amazing, professionally printed four-color tribute), and lived on little sleep in recent days.
FUNERALS – THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY
The irony of all of this is that my wife and her sister weren’t particularly close. Her sister was older, so she rarely wanted to spend time with “little sis” when they were kids. Often she was mean. Yet my wife looked up to “big sis” and yearned for a closer relationship. As they grew older, they grew a bit closer, but never as close as my wife wanted. I suspect the funeral arrangements were her way of trying to fill some of the gap between them.
My mother says that weddings and funerals often bring out the worst in families. Well, in my wife’s family, there was certainly a lot of drama and conflict. I’ll spare the details, but if this experience is any indicator, the tension and discomfort surrounding a loved one’s death can, indeed, divide those who remain.
MY BIG FAT FAMILY FUNERAL
The funeral itself went fine, but despite all the hours of planning, my wife and I were late arriving. The schedule was tight. The burial “appointment” was rapidly approaching. It felt rushed. (Interesting how rigid these schedules are, given that the deceased is in no hurry!) Speakers had to cut their comments short. But the music was a highlight.
The small church was packed with family and friends. Apparently, my wife’s sister was well known and loved by many. Their family is quite large – there were dozens of cousins! Many had met me years ago, and remembered me. Sadly, I didn’t recall most of them. But it was amazing to think I’m “uncle” or “cousin” to so many people!
After the burial, itself, my wife invited her family over for a meal. Apparently, word got out that someone was bringing food to our house – and the flood gates opened! I’ve never seen so many people in our house in one day – maybe 100 or more visitors dropped by for a bite.
Surprisingly, everyone was in good spirits – the drama and upset of the planning phase were nowhere in sight. Perhaps the ill will had been buried with my sister-in-law. Everything seemed to end on a positive note after all – and perhaps that made everything else worthwhile and seemingly small.
So the house that sometimes seems too big to maintain served its purpose well. And now we have a refrigerator full of leftovers, bags filled with trash, floors that desperately need cleaning, and spirits that are hopefully comforted.
MORE THAN JUST A CEREMONY
What’s a funeral about, anyway? Do we need to preserve our bodies for some later resurrection? Does the deceased know or care what we do on their behalf?
I doubt if funerals mean much to the departed – even if they’re aware of our efforts to remember and respect them. No, it’s we who remain who are interested in funeral details and dynamics.
For me, funerals are for the living, to ritually acknowledge the passing of someone dear to us and remember their life. We share the common bond of grief with those who also cared for our lost loved one, and we reinforce relationships that make our lives meaningful.
They are opportunities to celebrate life, even in death.
Jeff
